It is true that schools today place too much emphasis on acadamic performance rather
than character moulding.Acadamic performance is a regconition by the teachers
that indicates how a student have been performing in school.Character moulding is the
individual nature of a person.Schools thinks that acadamic performace is the key to
sucess as in order to proceed to the next level of higher education, acadamic performace
is definitely significant.But,character moulding is also significant, students with good
character will eventually do well in the furture due to their good bulit of character.
Firstly, Schools thinks that students with good acadamic performance will eventually
handle things better than those who do not perform well. They thinks that students
with good acadamic performace have the right mindset to produce good quality work as
most of this student are willing to put in the effort to do the work.
Secondly, schools emphasis on acadamic performace is to hope that students that are
constantly having good acadamic result would eventually grow the schools reputation.
When the school's repution is growing it would eventually gives the furture student a
foresight of how the school will continue to do in the furture.Thus, School place too
much emphasis on acadamic performance than charater moulding.Eventhough, the students
character were bad, as long as they keep up with their standard in producing good
acadamic performance it would not effect the school.Hence, schools thinks acadamic
performance is important than character moulding.
Lastly, schools thinks that acadamic result is important as when they step foot in to
the society in furture acadamic result and is definitely the key to success.With a good
acadamic result they would eventually have a better job oppurtunity as Singapore needs
youths with brain talent which can helps singapore to develop further.Thus, this shows
that it is important to have a good acadamic result in order to help them in their furture
that is why schools place too much attention on their students acadamic performance. It is
actually to help them.
However, schools do not have the inkling that character of a student is also very important.
Character is a very important value, if students do not have a good character, no matter how
well they score for their acadamic they will eventually be left a side by others due to their
stubborn character.Thus, character is important too.Also, some students whose studies were
not as ideal as others but they have a good character.This students in furture might do
better than students who have ideal result as we all say ' don judge the book by its cover'
students with bad acadamic result might sometimes surpress the students who do better than them
in other area. Hence, character moulding is also important in school other than acadamic
performance.
In conclusion, i think that schools nowadays are indeed more focus about acadamic performance
than students character, as they thinks that students acadamic result could show everything about
the students. However, they were wrong to a certain extent, some students are born to be smart
but some are not. With character it will eventually tell us how this student will be in furture
.Still, school still emphasis too much on acadamic result as students in singapore are facing
stiff compeition with other students in their schools.Hence, i believe that it is true that
schools today place toomuch emphasis on acadamic performance rather than character moulding.
written by: Edmund oh jun kiat:)
(1) Your introduction is weak. I think you made an effort to define what "academic performance" and "character moulding" are, but I only realized that you tried to explain what these two terms meant only after I had read your introduction twice. You also gave a thesis statement, but you have failed to introduce the elements which would back up your thesis. In other words, in your introduction, you did not list down the various points which you will be using to justify or substantiate your argument.
ReplyDelete(2) Here is an example of an introduction (a simple one!):
"To a large extent, schools do indeed focus too much on academic performance of the students rather than to expend a proportionate amount of time and energy in developing their character. By saying that schools have emphasised 'too much' on academic performance shows that schools have perhaps 'crossed the line' and either forgot or neglected their true mission -- which is to educate the student holistically in all aspects of life. By adopting a largely examination-oriented or competency-based approach in teaching the students, schools may produce academically-sound graduates who do not necessarily be useful citizens who would contribute to the society. The following essay will substantiate the claim that schools have indeed placed too much emphasis on academic performance rather than character moulding by these points: (a) CCAs are graded and students may lose interest (b) not enough hours allocated for activities such as voluntary work during school hours (c) unnecessary remedial lessons during school holidays."
(3) A BIG mistake -- spelling error!!! "Academic" is spelt with an "e", not "a". CHECK YOUR WORK :( There are many spelling mistakes throughout the entire essay. I suggest that you use Spell Check in Microsoft Word. I know that initially I told you NOT to rely on the Spell Check by Microsoft Word. But now I feel that you ought to get your spelling corrected otherwise you will continue to repeat the same errors in the examination. So please follow my instruction to use Spell Check from now on. But above all, PLEASE CHECK YOUR WORK!!!!!!
ReplyDelete(4) Your ethos (expressions) is still awkward and clumsy. But be PATIENT. To widen the psychotypological distance takes time. :)
(5) I like the fact that you included "inkling" in your essay. I remember this was one of the words we learnt for our Newspaper Cutting Vocabulary :)
(6) And finally, overall you made a decent attempt to write an argumentative essay -- I can see the structure. BUT IT IS STILL TOO EXPOSITORY FOR MY TASTE.
ReplyDeleteI know I said that an expository essay is more knowledge based while an argumentative essay is more skill-based. But in order to argue well, you need to have facts. Concrete evidence.
So for instance, look at some of the example points I gave in my own introduction. You should provide evidence like that. Something realistic and solid to back up what you say. Otherwise, you will land up doing what Kelvin has been doing -- very expository.
(7) By the way, are you writing an expository essay or argumentative essay? If you are writing an expository essay on this topic, then you do not display enough facts or evidence. It is now "showing off" enough. But if you are writing an argumentative essay, the structure is present and this is good... but you need to give me real-life examples and evidence.
(8) Word count! You can always copy and paste everything into Microsoft Word and use their word count function!
ReplyDeleteTypographic error for (7). I mean "NOT showing off enough"
ReplyDeleteThe Conclusion must also match the Introduction.
ReplyDeleteSo maybe you can write this:
"This essay has demonstrated how schools have indeed misplaced their focus by emphasizing disproportionately on academic excellence and have neglected character development in the process. This lack of balance can be seen in (a) CCAs are graded and students lose interest (b) not enough hours allocated for voluntary work during school hours (c) remedial lessons during school holidays."
I believe there are errors and improvisations to be made on your language.However,I must compliment you for being able to think up of contents that I am not able to think up of,in any case thank you for the ideas shared and hope you do continue with these essays.
ReplyDeleteGood essay but too much mistakes.
ReplyDeleteIn my subjective view, i reckon you had to paraphrase some words that u are using as unchanged like in the introduction the word significant.
ReplyDelete